Update on the No-Chew-Diet-From-Hell… it’s still hellish. I smell food wherever I go. I smelled hash browns from a little kid walking in front of me the other day. (Gimme your hash brown kid. This mama’s HUNGRY! Come into my belly.) It’s strange, but I don’t even have to be near an In-N-Out to smell the beautiful aroma of grilled onions. Gah! Mmmmm. Food. I miss it.
Tonight I went to my first support group that meets bi-monthly at the Lewis Auditorium at Arcadia Methodist Hospital. The group facilitators are Dr. Klein and Lorrie, the nutritionist. I asked all sorts of questions from bowel movements post-surgery, to feelings about people commenting about weight loss. As I’ve said before, I don’t like being the center of attention. Heaviness is a form of safety, an insulation if you will. It protects me from all the things in the world that are scary, chaotic and dangerous. At least that’s the way it feels. However, if I look at the opposite effects of how being heavy has changed me, picking out an outfit can be one of the most tortuous events in my day. Ready to hear my inner thoughts…? (Uh, Joy, haven’t you already been giving us your inner thoughts?) Well, yes, but these are the nitty gritty nasty thoughts I tell myself. I’m a mean girl to myself, like Lindsey Lohan’s belittling high school peers in Mean Girls. This all happens in front of my closet. (You don’t want to wear that shirt with those pants, Joy, it shows too much of your belly. Or, you have pick a cover to wear over that because no one wants to see your arm fat. Or, gosh, your belly, always, the belly. Half of my clothes don’t fit right! Ah, hell, just wear a vest over it. Or, maybe you should just stay home. Stay home, hibernate and isolate.) This is the downside of how heaviness has affected me. I miss out on connection.
One of the group members tonight that is 3 months post surgery, said that she isn’t telling anyone about her gastric bypass because she doesn’t want to be judged if she gains weight back. She doesn’t want people to say that she “took the easy way out” by having a weight loss surgery. Does this No-Chew-Diet-From-Hell seem easy to any of you? Guaranteed, hands down, this is the hardest thing diet-wise that I’ve had to do. The prolonged routine of it has been very difficult. I like to eat with people and be festive, yo!
One thing Dr. Klein said tonight is, “This is not an easy way out. You still have to do the work to keep the weight off.” Basically if you’re a grazer, you can gain weight by just letting small amounts of food all day long and consuming excessive amounts of calories by eating constantly.
I can’t believe tomorrow is my Gastric Bypass Eve of the Eve. Weird. If gastric bypass is the wedding, then the process after surgery is the marriage. Marriage ain’t easy people. (Can I get an amen?) Gastric bypass is a TOOL that helps you change. You still have to manage your emotions, work the program, and make decisions daily that affect your future.
Peace. Until tomorrow. Love you loves.