Countdown Day 6

So, my new favorite treats are these ah-maze-ing calcium supplements called, Adora.  I adora them.  Ba-dum-dum.  When you can’t have chocolate OR chew anything all day, this lil’ sucker gives me just what I need. Like, a little prize for taking my calcium.

Speaking of little prizes, whenever I meet with a dear friend, I feel like I get special insights into life.  Talking to this dear friend I acknowledged that  I’ve come to place of acceptance about he way- I- am.  It’s okay.  I’m okay.  I love me now. (I must tell you it’s taken a whole lotta therapy, prayer, and rethinking insane cultural beliefs to get here.) So part of me is a little sad to lose weight.  I’ve accepted this independent, loving, wild at times, belly-laughing me.  (By the way, my middle child has told me on a couple of occasions that my belly shakes like Santa when I laugh. I always think, lovely.  Santa’s cool, right?)  Anyway, back to this sad part of losing weight.  I’ve come to feel protected by heaviness.  There’s a certain amount of invisibility that comes with being overweight.  Often, people look past you.  And when you’re an introvert, this isn’t a bad thing.  I don’t want to be the center of attention.  So, I’m grieving my current self even before I lose weight.  I feel like there’s a sense of comradery amongst women, when you know you’re not perfect and you love each other anyway.  I don’t want to lose that. On some level, I know I won’t, but on another level, I feel like I’m more approachable because of my weight.  I clearly look like I don’t have it all together.  Does this make sense to anyone else?

So, today, in preparation for the walk with that dear friend, I shook the new shoebox-clean off those 2-year-old tennies.  Walking with a friend is one thing, but I actually despise doing any sort of exercise out on the street in the hood by myself, because I just don’t want people looking at me.  It makes me feel vulnerable.  I can’t describe it any other way.  It’s just one of my weird quirks.  I will walk with a friend since I have someone to talk to, but walking by myself is just, ‘ew’.  (If you haven’t seen this Jimmy Fallon video it’s hilarious.)  I often say ‘ew’ just cuz it makes me laugh and then think of my friend Jimmy.

Grieving has many forms when you’re losing weight: a loss of the idea and way of indulgent living.  I miss nachos right about now and chips & salsa with guacamole, carne asada, mashed potatoes, coffee and chocolate.  I miss chewing and escaping into a hearty bowl or plate of food.  Relearning how to eat at 43 is tough. As I made the family dinner tonight, it was all I could do not to take a bite.  I’ve been spending a lot of time AWAY from the kitchen.  I’m grieving that too.  Cooking for my family and making them foods they love gives me a sense of pride.  In a few months I’ll get to eat again solid foods again, so at least this isn’t forever. It’s just feels that way now.

I’ll leave you with this: A not-so-perfect story of losing 180 lbs. Real life isn’t a fairy tale. Jen Larson’s book: Stranger Here scroll down to view the video advertisement for her book.





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