Identity of a…

fatty, lazy, slob, overweight, obese, chubby, portly, plump, large woman.

I am definitely not defined by the above mentioned descriptors, but we’ve all heard them.  I’ve worked through the pain of these descriptors since I was a young girl.  When I was in junior high in Whitehouse, Texas, I can remember it like it was yesterday, standing in the band room as I was TA for Mr. Gober, and looking at my side profile and shaming myself for having a big belly.  “Why do you have to look so awful with your shirt tucked in. You’re fat. You’re ugly. Why can’t you look more like Michelle Thum?” Michelle, my dear friend and fellow TA, of course, had a very flat stomach, and oh, how I wished I could look just like her.

I have since learned that flat stomachs do not equal happiness. So, in this path toward gastric bypass, I am having to face my motivations and history of weight management or lack thereof, head-on.  Facing anything is a shit-starter, (as Brene Brown would say).  We all face different struggles in life, and for many of us, our greatest enemy is ourselves.

I am 1/3 of the way through the hoops I’m jumping through toward gastric bypass.  Many fears arise, like, “Will I be able to manage my starches and just have 6 a day?” “Will I be able to eat just 1,500 calories?” “Will I be able to consistently exercise?” I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I do know that beginning to lose weight will be an incentive to keep going.

At yesterday’s nutrition group, one of the women asked, “I want to know WHY I eat like this, and if I have the surgery, will I be able to change this?”  It’s a good question.  The nutritionist recommended a monthly group in Arcadia in which people at all different stages of the gastric bypass, those pre-surgery and those several years post-surgery, go for support.  For me, the reason I eat the way I eat, is years of practice.  Practice makes, PERFECT, or in this case, a whole lotta extra weight.  Will I be able to make this change? Stay tuned.

As I move through life at my current weight and post-surgery, I prefer these descriptors of me, as a person: resilient, resourceful, brave, kind, hopeful, compassionate, and gritty.